Many of my insights come from prison. I realize these stories aren’t for everyone. Sometimes we need distractions or inspiration, not reality in its heartbreaking, real messiness. Still, I’m called to share what’s in my heart, which is my prison sangha.
Holiday season is complex. It’s complex in prison: physical separation (not by choice) from family and friends; meals that are sufficient yet not memorable; lack of events to mark the occasion. It’s equally complex on “the streets”: natural emotions (grief, loneliness, overwhelm) that are in contrast to cultural messages of “happiness and joy!”; expectations from family and friends that don’t align with our own; internal (and fierce) expectations of ourselves that don’t match our heart’s intention. All of this during the darkest month of year, when our physical bodies want to hibernate and rest.
Holidays were mentioned in both my prison mindfulness groups yesterday, but they weren’t the focus. Instead, these prisoners shared wisdom, compassion, and patience:
“I noticed this week how I fixated on externals. I looked outward at all the people who were making my life hard. But then I realized I needed to look inward. Actually, no one else was making my life hard. I was making my life hard. So, I’m re-focusing inward and noticing my choices.”
“I’ve missed a few groups because I’m taking an agriculture class. It’s an adjustment being back in school at my age, but I think it’s important for when I get out. I studied hard and gave my best effort—something I never did in high school. And I got an A! [Big smile.] I’m proud of that, and I’m glad to be back in this circle of support. You helped me stay focused.”
“I lost my job because another person spoke untruthfully about me, and the sergeant chose to believe him. I don’t need to give details, they’re not important, but I miss my work—a mission I believed in. And I feel betrayed that after so many years of doing good [no tickets or misconduct], my word wasn’t trusted. Still, I’m grateful for this group. I’m grateful for my meditation practice. I know I’m okay. I’m not going to file a complaint. I’ll reapply for the job in 6 weeks.”
“I’ve noticed that my anxiety has increased in the last few weeks. I’m shorter with my words; I have less compassion. But then I remember: freedom is in my choices. I was out of control before I came to prison. In prison, I’m free because I choose differently. So, I’m trying to make better, kinder choices.”
Every Monday when I leave prison, I’m inspired. These quotes I share are not made up—I’m not exaggerating. This is what happens if we choose to transform our lives; to make meaningful impact; to open our hearts and minds. And it’s available to all of us, inside and outside the fences, perhaps especially during the holiday season. How can we be honest and kind, humble and change-making, vulnerable and brave? What’s one small step we can take? Even in the busyness, we can pause and connect.
