On my website, there’s a page where people can share anonymously. Last weekend, I received this message:
I spend most of my time thinking about endings nowadays… I just hope I like the story I tell before my end. I use the word "I" too much to be a selfless person. Maybe I'll change when my brain doesn't beg for dreams in place of living. I'm looking for my future. I've almost found it, it's so incredibly close. Please, someone, anyone—help me up on my feet so I can run.
These poetic, heartfelt, raw words deserve a response. Yet I don’t know the author. I can only reply with this post and hope you see my hand reaching out for you, pulling you up on your feet, not necessarily to run but to stand in your own light.
Yesterday, I felt dark inside for no particular reason. Perhaps the change in light and temperature. Perhaps the dread of a pandemic winter without my usual points of connection. Perhaps my old, tired (yet surprisingly lively) shame story that I’m not doing enough. I took a long walk in nature with my supportive spouse, yet I still felt crabby and blue. Then I named it (expressed), cried, and eventually laughed. This morning was just as dark and cold but my heart felt lighter.
Our human life is complex during “normal” times. Now we layer on the pandemic (and the pandemics within the pandemic). This is tough stuff! Speaking to friends who have suicide ideation, I’ve learned the pain is immense. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to pull yourself back up (again and again). I don’t know your circumstances, but I care. I have no advice nor fixes, but I do have a heart that’s holding you right now, just as you are.
As a mindfulness teacher, I engage with a variety of people. Everyone is struggling right now. It’s not an every-single-moment struggle but it’s an overarching struggle. Depression, anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, grief, and exhaustion. Our world is in pain. This isn’t to minimize your particular pain (which I honor and hope you honor, too), but it’s to say: no one is alone. Our minds try to convince us that “I’m the only one; I’m flawed and others are happy,” but that’s not true. We’re in this messy, heartbreaking, wondrous world together. We all lose our s**t. And we can begin again.
My hand is reaching out to you (all of you!). I lift you up so you can see the amazing, imperfect, beautiful person that is you.
leaf hug