I’m currently teaching the spring session of my class, Seeing: Photography + Mindfulness. On Friday, I included a class post about comparing mind. Because we all experience this, it feels important to include the message on my blog. As you read this post, you’re part of our class (you belong)…
I’ve referenced comparing mind throughout this course. It’s a natural (yet painful!) human mind-state. Whether the comparison is “they’re awesome and I’m worthless” or “I’m awesome and they’re wrong,” it doesn’t feel good. Comparisons constrict us. They limit our view, burden our heart, and dampen creativity,
SOCIAL MEDIA
On social media, we often see a curated version of other people’s lives: happy moments, success stories, and beautiful art. Surrounded by curation, seeds of doubt get planted. We begin to question ourselves: Why am I unhappy when everyone else is happy? Why is my creativity so messy when everyone else creates with ease? On and on, these tapes play in our minds. It’s an easy hook for our brains. A well-grooved, though unhelpful, habit.
Here’s the rub: We’re comparing our insides to other people’s curated outsides. The reality is that we're all imperfect. We all struggle. We’re human!
BEING REAL
I find it liberating to name my imperfections. Not as self-judgment but as a way to connect with others. When we drop the curation, we build trust, see each other’s true beauty, and remember that we belong.
Here’s a small list of un-curated pieces of my life:
From a young age, to make sense of my mom’s mental illness (with no guidance from adults), I believed a shame story: Something is wrong with me; I must achieve to be lovable; I’ll never be good enough. Though I’ve healed and reworked this story, shame still visits. It doesn’t go away and it’s nothing to “get rid of.” Meditation helps me notice it sooner and intervene with self-compassion. This is a life-long process.
I keep only 10% of the photographs I take. Some days, I capture 300 images yet none of them resonates with me. I often return to a scene again and again, trying to get the shot I want. And still, some subjects are out of my reach—I just cannot capture them (yet).
I love to garden. My yard overflows with flower beds. Though I like a tidy house, my gardening style is “wild abundance,” and it makes my heart sing. But my lawn is mostly weeds. It’s “No Mow May” here in Appleton and my dandelions are on full display for the neighborhood. I inwardly cringe—there are masses of dandelions—yet also trust that I don’t want to use weed killer. I move between embarrassment—what will the neighbors think?—and relief (it feels good to be real).
Each time I share in this way, revealing my vulnerable places, fear arises. It arises right now as I type these words. It’s hard to be vulnerable! And yet vulnerability is a portal to connection. It helps cut through murky waters of comparing mind.
SOCIETY
In American culture, we’re supposed to be strong. We rarely see people model vulnerability or express a range of emotions. I’ve noticed that when someone cries, either 1) the person apologizes immediately (as if tears are somehow wrong or unnatural), or 2) the listener quickly says, “everything will be okay.” Or both these happen simultaneously. We have a strong need for things to be okay. Okay-ness provides comfort and perceived control, but it doesn’t match reality. Sometimes we’re okay, sometimes we’re not. If we make room for the not-okay places, we feel better. It takes more energy to resist fear and grief than it does to feel them.
Yet from the view of comparing mind, we think our emotions are “wrong,” because we see few people expressing them. Again, this is a curated view. Everyone feels grief, frustration, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and hurt. Everyone.
And just as it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to be happy! Life is wondrous and beautiful. In this class, we explore play and joy and rest. We cultivate gratitude and presence. Even in a complex, heartbreaking world, it’s important to create and dance. It’s okay to be happy.
BELONGING
Photography is a creative, awakening, and healing process. Mindfulness is a path to be with all of life—the sorrows and joys, insights and frustrations, griefs and amazing loves. All of this belongs!
When comparing mind arises, take a 3-breath pause. Remember this is a sacred place for you to be however you are and feel however you feel. No need to pretend. Just be you.
You belong. Your photos belong. Your words belong.
be brave. be real. be you.